My Brother-in-Law

I'm not going to talk about my kidney recipient much, because he is a fairly private person. However, Howard -- my brother in law (well, as "in law" as the state of Georgia doesn't allow but the Supreme Court hopefully will soon) is such a loving, wonderful person.

I don't even remember where we took this

picture. The smile on his face -- it perfectly

captures the Howard I know and love.

When Howard showed up in my brother's life some 20 years ago, I saw my brother transform. Howard's love has given my brother such strength and has grounded him. My family is like many families -- we have our tough times and our good times (as I like to say, no one can push buttons like family, because family were the ones who installed them). Howard has added so much to my brother's life, and I'm so glad he is part of my family.

My favorite memories of Howard are two -- the first one was 14 years ago, sitting on the patio at our rental house in Amsterdam, smoking and laughing. There was nothing profound about that evening, it was just the three of us relaxing and enjoying an exciting adventure in the Netherlands together. Friends as well as family.

The second memory is from my wedding in 2013. Howard offered to do the flowers. The two of us, plus my brother and my maid of honor, went down to Pike Place Market and bought flower bouquets. We brought them to my house and met up with my friend Robin and fiance Dan. We added flowers from our yard, and Howard and Robin rearranged everything. Howard used his keen artistic eye to tie everything together. He poured his love for me into those flowers. Those generic bouquets became something personal and unique -- a reflection of me, Dan, and the life we were building together.

Here's Howard, trying to grab my kidney, 

even back then!

People say to me all the time, "Oh I could never donate a kidney."  That's not true. I believe anyone could do it for someone they loved. Your wife, your son, your mom... you would do it. Howard has been in my family for 20 years, and I will fight to have him here for at least 20 years more.

How it Started

In February, my brother called to share the latest news on his husband's health (Oh yeah, did I mention that I have the ultimate modern family?): Howard's kidney was getting worse, and he was going to need to start dialysis soon. 

I was on my way to work, and David's words kept echoing in my ears. I knew that Howard had gone on the kidney list several months prior, but that was a precaution, because Howard would need a kidney in the future. Now that he was facing dialysis, it was *real*. Howard needed a kidney soon.

I thought about it for a few days, and turned to my husband one night. "I want to get tested to see if I'm a match."  Dan mentioned that if I was getting tested then he would too. I acted like he hadn't said that at first -- this was *my* in-law, and I wouldn't expect my husband, who has known Howard for only a few years, to step up. But he repeated that he was going to talk to the coordinator too. Wow, I'm a lucky woman.

I called my brother the next day.  When I told him we wanted to be tested, he and Howard were stunned. Our relationship hasn't always been great, but I love my brother immensely. I don't think either of us realized until that moment just how deep that love goes. 

Dan and I called the living donor coordinator at Piedmont Hospital the next day. Dan was eliminated almost immediately for a history of kidney stones. I was going to move forward. 

Why I'm here

Last night my husband Dan and I were talking with a friend, saying that we had big news to share. She lit up, certain we -- married only 1 1/2 years ago -- were going to announce that we were having a kid.

Nope, not a kid. A kidney. A donated one, in fact. 

You take for granted the way life is "supposed" to go. You grow up, go to college, establish a career, get married, have kids. 

That has never been my story. So I shouldn't be surprised at the turn my life has taken. But I never could have imagined this.

In three weeks, I am donating a kidney to my brother-in-law, Howard. Me, who is afraid of needles and dreads going to the doctor. Here I am, volunteering myself for surgery. Love is stronger than fear. 

I'm creating this blog to share my story. Perhaps it's some measure of therapy, but I hope it helps educate people going through the same thing I am. I promise to be honest (I'm a 'wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve' type of person). It may get gross at times, I might make myself laugh (it's how Nozicks deal with pain), and some entries definitely will be uncomfortable. But I have gotten such strength from learning from the donors who preceded me. I want to remember my experience through words, rather than fading into the ether of past memory.